If I Were A Rich Man

Daidle deedle daidle
Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum

But I ain't rich, so therefore, lack of pictures = lack of posts. Pictures cost money, and damnt I wish they didn't! Because I could really amuse myself and others by keeping this blog up, anyways if I run into some money, or find a loophole in this game I'll get back at it. Love to love ya love yaaaa.

Sincerely, Fiddler on the Roof

Slumdog Millionaire Takes Over The World

Dear Academy Awards,
You took over my life tonight. Tonight I share with you Ayla's and my aim convo while watching the Oscars. Much Love. And HOLLA Dlisted. We love you.



JennieVaz: like this is hilarious right now
eyelacliffy: omg i know
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: love him
JennieVaz: wen do zac and vanessa show up
eyelacliffy: i dont know!!
eyelacliffy: im excited tho
JennieVaz: this is awkward!!!
eyelacliffy: hahahh i know!!
eyelacliffy: please tell me you are looking at dlisted's live blogging
eyelacliffy: its like
eyelacliffy: hilarious
JennieVaz: no im not haha
JennieVaz: i missed the pan to brad and angie
eyelacliffy: haha it wasnt anything really
JennieVaz: OLD BABY FACE WINS! hahahah
eyelacliffy: hahahah
eyelacliffy: hilarious
eyelacliffy: OMG
JennieVaz: omg his accent makes him even hotterrrrrrrrrrrrrr
eyelacliffy: omg i knoowwwww
JennieVaz: HSM3 <3
eyelacliffy: omg
eyelacliffy: LOVE
eyelacliffy: this is like the best montage ever
JennieVaz: omg i need to see marley and me
JennieVaz: awww i want to be in love
eyelacliffy: i need to see that too
eyelacliffy: !
eyelacliffy: i want to see zac and vanessa dance christ
JennieVaz: hahaa omg dlisted KILLS me
eyelacliffy: oh shit i havent been reading
eyelacliffy: hahahah
eyelacliffy: he is hilarious
JennieVaz: omgggggg!!
eyelacliffy: omgggg
eyelacliffy: hahahah
JennieVaz: omg dlisted
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: i love natalie portman tho
eyelacliffy: this is hilarious
JennieVaz: it is! but i feel like it makes the award a joke
eyelacliffy: yeah your right
eyelacliffy: haha
eyelacliffy: dlisted is gonna have a field day
eyelacliffy: i hate her!!
JennieVaz: i absolutly loooove james franco
eyelacliffy: omg i was just gonna say that to you
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: omg they're such assholes hahaha
JennieVaz: seth rogen just like laughed in his face
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: i know!
JennieVaz: watch w kristen says milo and hayden are still together
eyelacliffy: i knoowww
eyelacliffy: she hasnt been updating a lot and its making me angry
eyelacliffy: i need the spoiler chat
JennieVaz: dude i have nottttt been watching heroes at alll
eyelacliffy: ive never seen it
eyelacliffy: im glad
eyelacliffy: haha
JennieVaz: omg sawyer is getting so fat
JennieVaz: stop ittt
eyelacliffy: noooo
eyelacliffy: dont say that
JennieVaz: well hes no fatter than me
JennieVaz: but i mean
eyelacliffy: ohh huushhh
JennieVaz: im surprised they havent said anything to him since like his main role in the show is to be naked
eyelacliffy: i knoowww
eyelacliffy: okay this has to be when zac comes in
eyelacliffy: amazing
JennieVaz: i knowww i hope so
JennieVaz: is she lipsynching
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: i think so
eyelacliffy: they are right theree
JennieVaz: this is boringgggg
eyelacliffy: this is weiirdd
JennieVaz: like imagine doing all this shit with ur boyfriend
eyelacliffy: i knoooowww
eyelacliffy: dlisted kills me
eyelacliffy: etta james just fucking exploded
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: SO SAD
JennieVaz: unreal
JennieVaz: dlisted
eyelacliffy: he gets me through this
JennieVaz: omg if he doesnt say something about that asian weirdo
JennieVaz: dude how long is this thing going to be on for
eyelacliffy: christ
eyelacliffy: another hour i think
JennieVaz: aw did i miss jen and john
JennieVaz: DAMNT
eyelacliffy: i saw them sitting together before but
JennieVaz: jerrys kidsssssss
eyelacliffy: aawwwww
JennieVaz: um I want to HUG that little boy
eyelacliffy: i knooowww
JennieVaz: awwww wat a good guy
JennieVaz: brendons nickname isnt so bad nemore
eyelacliffy: i know!
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: love john legend
JennieVaz: could listen to him everyday
eyelacliffy: omg i know
eyelacliffy: dlisted just killed me
eyelacliffy: john legends has a voice like a cashmere throw
eyelacliffy: i want his voice to wine and dine me
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: hahaha
JennieVaz: have u seen slumdog by the way
JennieVaz: SO good
JennieVaz: the little boys are THE CUTEST IVE EVERRRRRRRRRR seen
eyelacliffy: yessss
eyelacliffy: it was soo goodd
eyelacliffy: i really liked it
JennieVaz: HAHAHA
JennieVaz: M.I.A. is M.I.A.
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: she just had a babyyy
JennieVaz: duh
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: i like thought you made up the mia is mia
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: whoopsie
JennieVaz: dumbass
eyelacliffy: i know okay
eyelacliffy: i wasnt paying attention
eyelacliffy: dlisted
eyelacliffy: spagetti cat
eyelacliffy: haha
JennieVaz: haha i have like no clue wat this spaghetti cat shit is about
eyelacliffy: me either
eyelacliffy: but it sounds funny
eyelacliffy: kate winslet is def gonna win
JennieVaz: its funny how like anne hathaway went from princess diaries
JennieVaz: to thisssssss
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: i knooow
eyelacliffy: lucky bitch
eyelacliffy: this womannnn
JennieVaz: whos thsi bitch
eyelacliffy: hahahah
eyelacliffy: i hate her
eyelacliffy: but
eyelacliffy: she is pretty
JennieVaz: ughhhhhhhh i know
JennieVaz: bitch has won every god damn award shes been nominated for this year
eyelacliffy: she just kissed another man on the lips
eyelacliffy: i knoooww
eyelacliffy: she deserves it
JennieVaz: HAHAHA
eyelacliffy: !!
eyelacliffy: shes amazing
JennieVaz: she just kissed another man on the lips ur so cute haha
JennieVaz: hes most likely gay
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: she has been nominated like 5 or 6 times for an oscar and never won
JennieVaz: how u kno this
eyelacliffy: im smart
JennieVaz: awww the dad thing
JennieVaz: SO cute
eyelacliffy: very cute
JennieVaz: aw im teary
JennieVaz: aw the husband with the fist pump
eyelacliffy: awwww
eyelacliffy: love her
eyelacliffy: im gonna be PISSED if this mickey rourke guy wins
JennieVaz: ughhhhhhhhh I KNOW
JennieVaz: i just ughed out loud when u said that
eyelacliffy: hahaha
eyelacliffy: i want sean penn to win
JennieVaz: hmmm
JennieVaz: i dunno who i want
eyelacliffy: he was amazing
JennieVaz: hes always amazing
eyelacliffy: i knoowww
eyelacliffy: but milk was realllyy goood
JennieVaz: i didnt see ne of these damn movies so
JennieVaz: oh iwant him to win
JennieVaz: hes so great
eyelacliffy: who!
JennieVaz: awww
JennieVaz: Richard jenkins!
JennieVaz: hes teary
eyelacliffy: aww
eyelacliffy: brad pitt will not win
JennieVaz: haha ok
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: im just sayyyingg
eyelacliffy: i know it
eyelacliffy: i need to like read this mans biography
eyelacliffy: like
eyelacliffy: what is up with him
JennieVaz: HAHAHHA dlisted
eyelacliffy: hahahah
JennieVaz: um yea he had like mad plastic surgery
JennieVaz: he used to be like a GOOD looking man
eyelacliffy: really?!
eyelacliffy: did he do drugs
eyelacliffy: YESSSSSSSSS
JennieVaz: yea he was an abuser
eyelacliffy: makes sense
eyelacliffy: omg that guy crying
eyelacliffy: so cute
JennieVaz: i knoo!
JennieVaz: dude we should be live blogging like how redic r we
JennieVaz: thats it, this convo goes on my blog
eyelacliffy: hahahaha omg
JennieVaz: dlisted...wat
eyelacliffy: hahah i know
eyelacliffy: that boy
eyelacliffy: man
JennieVaz: his wife is sooo beautiful
eyelacliffy: i knooww
JennieVaz: she was in this movie
JennieVaz: ah what was it called
JennieVaz: with um dakota fanning, andd glenn close
JennieVaz: it was like about 8 women
JennieVaz: all diff lives
JennieVaz: well anyway she was really good in it
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: i dont know what that is
JennieVaz: okay it was called Nine Lives
eyelacliffy: ooohh
eyelacliffy: never seen it
JennieVaz: it was good
JennieVaz: netflix watch instantly ruled my life for a couple weeks
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: i wish i still had netflix
eyelacliffy: slumdog is obviously gonna win
eyelacliffy: also
eyelacliffy: oh nevermind
eyelacliffy: the movie passed
JennieVaz: haha wat
JennieVaz: did u see the reader by the way
eyelacliffy: noo i didnttt
JennieVaz: goooooood
eyelacliffy: you saw it!
JennieVaz: yea
JennieVaz: megavideo also rules my lfie
eyelacliffy: oohhhh
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: emile hirsch DOOO ME
eyelacliffy: i know
eyelacliffy: you need to see milk
eyelacliffy: that is your next movie
eyelacliffy: slumdog is def gonna win
JennieVaz: i need to see benjamin button
JennieVaz: anddddddd wat THE fuck was that scene i just saw
JennieVaz: dont even tell me its old cate blanchett with baby brad pitt
JennieVaz: dont even say it
eyelacliffy: hahah
eyelacliffy: im not saayinngg anythingg
JennieVaz: good
JennieVaz: cus i know thats what that fucked up shit is
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: boringgg. slumdog wins EVERYTHING
JennieVaz: spread the loooove
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: ohhhh the baby slumdogs!!!!
eyelacliffy: oh god
JennieVaz: I looove them!
eyelacliffy: ahaha
eyelacliffy: i heard they like didnt get paid
eyelacliffy: did you read that
JennieVaz: omg theres my man!
JennieVaz: no i didnt read that but
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: i just want to pinch his god damn cheeks
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: this show really took over my life
JennieVaz: i guess ill study for my exam tomorrow
eyelacliffy: jesus christ i know
JennieVaz: nowww
eyelacliffy: jennie!
eyelacliffy: hahah
JennieVaz: whatev
JennieVaz: this is my life
JennieVaz: did we say anything on here that i shouldnt publish on my blog
eyelacliffy: hahah i dont know
eyelacliffy: maybe you should check it out
eyelacliffy: but
eyelacliffy: probably not

Sincerely, Jennie and Ayla

Golden Globes Live Blog!

So I took a really long hiatus from the blog, but I mean I do have a life going on.

NOTE: There are a lot of typos, incorrect grammar and punctuation, and you're going to have to deal with it!

Tonight is special... The Golden Globes! So I'm going to attempt something new.. commentary on wardrobe, winners, acceptance speeches, and all the awkwardness that goes along! Enjoy!

What I'm catching of the red carpet:

Tiki interviews Pierce brosnan and his wife...Keely Shaye Smith, a beautiful plus size woman, no hate no hate.

Salma Hayek interview, there is NO ONE on the red carpet, shes going to be the last damn person in that theatre poor thing! The fans are screaming over her interview, no one can hear anything. Blahblah. Salma has to go but she wants to forewarn us all that she is presenting for Penny Cruz's movie and IS GOING TO GIVE HER A BIG KISS......ok ok we get it, ur close, but not lovers. Next...

sidenote: how does tiki barber get to be a red carpet host? liiiiiike? BUT he just proclaimed his love for slumdog millionaire so he wins a special spot in my heart

andddd we're starting the show....

Jennifer Lopez is the first to present: wow that dress isssss..GOLD. and not flattering. omggg "helloooo, mama talkin mama talkin'" is what she just aid to get everyones attention...awkwarddd

Kate Winslet WINS!!!!!! first win of the night, shes shocked, teary, great reaction, loving it, getting her speech out, wakling to the podium, shes soooo lovely i want to be her, in 15 years u kno. Although I have no idea what this movie is about that she just won for...I'm going to pretend I do and say she was great in it and deserves this award yayyy. Speech is running long, if the music comes on it's gonna be awkwarddddd.

Sidenote: Rumer Willis is the Golden Globe girl, i guess thats what u call her. No no Miss Golden Globe is what it is.

OH I LIED, i just remembered what movie she is nominated for, The Reader, looked interesting, but still...I didn't see it.

Sting is presented as a singer andddddd social activist, dont forget that part. He needs to shave I'm not feeling it.

ugh they pan to Miley Cyrus for her nomination of best song in motion picture...and she HASSSS to stick her tongue out, like u seriously AAAARE 15. Stop dating that 20 year old hott piece and pass him to me.

Bruce Springstein's kinda hott. I'd date him.

AND HE WINS!!! for best song in a motion picture for The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke needs a shower...among many other things. Among those things would be a manicure. or perhaps at leaaast a nail clipper.

Ughhhh why do I have to see Angelina Jolie everrrr she's so annoying. GO be with ur brood of children and not in my face all the tiiiime.

These bitches are seriously living it up at the Golden Globes...the presenters are yelllling into the microphone....aww they present Rumer Willis as the Miss Golden Globe and pan to Ashton and Demi who beammm with pride, and Demi mouths "Hi baby!"....my mom would def do that, orrr she would stand on her chair and scream it.

Whoever Eva Longoria is presenting with is a STUDDDD. (update: Stud=Simon Barker) Tom wilkinson wins!!! forrr the movie John Adams, I don't know what exactly he's winning...it's a maze for him to get to the podium poor thing.

Whoaaa Renee Zellwegger looks like she was just in some sort of fight that caused her hair to become extreeemely disheveled.

Laura Dern is nominated for something or other...haven't seen her since Jurassic Park...but I like her, she's lookin' great...AND SHE WINSSSS! for the tv movie Recount. Did you know Laura was Miss Golden Glove in 1982! Maybe Rumer does have a future after all!

GOD that Sally Field's is lookin GOOOOOOOD! She seriously just looked like she was in her 20's. I want to be her. In 30 years u kno.

Don Cheadle with a shaved head...... I don't haaaaate it. I kind of like it actually. Oh he's funny, making jokes as he presents. I'm in like with him. He just called Brad Pitt dumb!!!!!!!! I'm in LOVE with him.

Eva Mendes is presenting. I have such a hard time sorting my feelings for her. Am I a fan? Am I not? I just can't tell. I want to know why the HELL she went to rehab...and I want to know NOW. Not that it will help me decide how I feel about her. Because I'm forever in love with Lindsay Lohan and she's been to rehab twice and boundddd to end up there again.

Hayden Panettierre and Zac Efron present.....DEXTERRRR!!!! Don't get excited he didn't win yet but I want him to. UGHHHH he didn't win. And Gabriel Burn isn't even there to accept the award. It's ok Michael C. Hall...we all know you're amazing.

what is this Madmen show. I watch EVERYTHING, I should be watching this. Don't get me started on Trueblood either, i will not love another vampire family other than the CULLENS!!! Don't make me!!!

Ana something or other (update: Ana Paquin) wins for Trueblood....you are no Bella. Watch yourself.

Haha. Ricky Gervais is hilarious. Has his drink with him at the microphone.

Ugh the Jonas Brothers. I'm over them. Haha they just panned to Miley's family. I'm over them because they are HEARTBREAKERS. Taylor Swift is my homie and you do her wrong, YOU are wrongggg. I'm done speaking about that threesome.

Best Animated Feature Film: I fell asleep during Kung Fu Panda, very willingly, so I hope it doesn't win. Only three films were nominated? odd. WAll-E Wins!!! Yay it was cute. My little cousins loved it, so I'm sure they'd be happy. Although I'm also sure they can't comprehend at this age what a Golden Globe is...

HAH Joe Jonas was stepping on Rumer's dress as she tried to walk away....perpetual douche.

Johnny Depp is presenting. Love him adn all but he's always so like...anguished.

Sally Hawkins wins for Happy Go Lucky...comedy. She's in some serious need of a burger, or at least a milkshake and fries. Don't hug her!! Don't do it she's going to break!!! She is only allowed gentle high fives for her win! OMG She puts her Golden Globe down. She can't even hold it...know why? Because she weighs 20 pounds. Aw but she's really touched by her award and since I'm a sucker for all things sentimental, I too am touched. She's telling absolutely everyone she loves them. I love her.

Commericals...ddoododooddodo. These target commercials really get me everytime. Lalalalalaaa. Target is like taking over the world. Not really I guess. I just felt that way for a hott second.

AHHH My boyfriend is presenting!!!! Jake Gylleenhaal!!!! Love is oooozing from my bodyyyy. I have a poster of him on my wall right now like i'm 12. It's framed though so it's a little classier. I can't deny true love. I can't!

Drew Barrymore needs to get a grip I feel. I think she's already drunk, which makes me love her a little bit.

Best Mini-Series or TV Movie: John Adams...boring.

next please.

Demi Moore is presenting. She looks fabbb. I want to be her, in 20 years you know. Aw she tells Miss Golden Globe Rumer Willis "Ru I'm very proud of you...don't hunch"

And Heath Ledger winssssss......!





oh WHAT...Tom Green is on the new Celebrity Apprentice. No. Just stop.

Tom Brokaw is a hot grandpa. I'd date him...or at least let him read the newspaper to me.

Colin Farrell...still a bit too skinny but still attractive. He's sniffling and says "I've still got a cold, it's not the other thing it used to be". Love it.
Best Foreign Language Film: Waltz With Bashir

Aaron Eckhart and Maggie Gyllenhaal present. Katherine Keener is lookin delicious. As is Laura Linney. Shirley McClaine is oddly resembling Mickey Rourke...help!! Laura Linney winssss!! Her first win of four nominations.

I was in the bathroom....errr... freshening up... so I guess I missed a few things.

But Seth Rogen is looking FANTASTIC....anddddd Slumdog Millionaire wins for best screenplay! Woooo!!!

Amy Poehler legit just popped out a baby and she's looking fabulous. Patrick Dempsey can't pop out babies so no surprise he's still looking fantastic.

Steve Carrell I'm eternally in love with you, but please shave. Whoa that Monk guy is wearing a seriouslyyyy bedazzled collared shirt.

Alec Baldwin winssss!!!! forrr.....best actor in a tv comedy series? yes i believe that is the category. This is his second win for this role. Tina fey is hilarious, even in her gestures haha. Love her. Look at me. Spreading love to absolutly everyone. Who do I think I am. Love is sacred. I can only use it when talking about Jakey G. obvi.

If I see one more cadillac commercial with supposedly lesbian, Kate Walsh, outed by various "blind items", I willlll claw my eyes out. Or to be more realistic I'll change the channel.

Sidenote: did you know Narragansett bay has a bunch of seals lounging in the water...well I wasn't sure but I always look out on the water and I'm like I swear I see something moving against the current guys! I swear! what is it!!!! no one ever acknowledges me so I go on wondering..........but nowwww with this great commercial I just saw... I realize. ITS A SEAL. What a privileged life I lead. Seals in my backyard.

I digress...back to the Globessssness.

Megan Fox looks rather classy....unusual for her. Paul Giamatti wins forrrr his role in John Adams. His first win in 3 nominations.

Sorry I forgot I was still blogging. Tracy Morgan is accepting for 30 Rock...he's hilarious as usual. A big F you to Cate Blanchett haha, umm he says he is the face of post racial America. Loved it best speech all night.

Ok I'm really bored so when something interesting happens I'll start writing again.

Slumdog millionaire wins again.

David Duchovny: you doggg.

Tina Fey wins for 30 Rock.

Stephen Speilbergs wife is hott.

Beyonce and Jay-Z are crazy in love. They're cute.

Emma Thompson is a rather tall woman. Or Dustin Hoffman is short.

Slumdog Millionaire wins agaiiiin!

Colin Farrell wins for best actor. He's cute. Very humble. His life's lookin' up.

I like how Salma Hayek says lunatic...

Sacha Baron Cohen is making some questionable jokes. The audience isnt sure if its funny or not haha. come onnn people. laugh a little.

Vicky Christina barcelona winsss!!

OMg Kate Winslet is preeecious!!! She wins for best actress and she's screaming in amazement! haha. Although she has metallic nail polish onnnn.... But I forgive. Oh she's making me cry! She's loved Leo for 13 years!! Haven't we alllll. She even made Leo cry. Come on now. I'm gonna throw out the love word on this one. LOVE HER.

Blake Lively
You're dress would look spectacular, if you didn't have a slit all the way up to ur no no area. Like thats so 90's. But I still like you.

Madmen wins. Wow this woman with the red hair is laaarge breasted. Way large.

Mickey Rourke just won...I duno about that. But ok. And he's wearing a sequined scarf.

Slumdog Millionaire wins again!!!!!! 4 wins tonight! WOW what is up with the men in this joint wearing bedazzled attire. I don't get it.
This guy just thanked his girlfriend for only dumping him once. That was great.

I have a strange affection for Tom Cruise...where did it come from?

Well that's the end of that folks. Wish I was accompanying everyone to the after party. But sadly I am stuck here. Drinking alone. TAHTAH FOR NOW!

A Sex Addiction You Say?

Dear David,

I heard you've entered rehab for this so called sex addiction. Me thinks, you got caught cheating and this is severe damage control. ... but hold on 90210 is on and i have to finish this letter afterwards.....

I Like To Follow Up

Dear Brookie,
So here's a new magazine feature of you, but we're bringing it back to an old topic. You've finally "cleared" up a lot of peoples worries/disgust over those pics of your father slathering sunscreen all over your toosh. Here's what ya had to say..."I know I'm a grown woman, but it's like he's touching an old car. He used to change my diaper!"....riiiiiiiiiight. I don't know what kind of metaphor that is but I'm not really comprehending. I think that bleach is seeping through your scalp and really affecting the way you think. Old car my ass. Or your ass, I guess. Anyway enough of that. Here you are posing for a Maxim spread, and apparently Daddy was on set just to make sure you don't show too much skin......riiiiiiiiiiiight. Whatever, this has given me a headache I have to go.
Sincerely, Me

So You Finally Popped

Dear Mama Alba,
You just gave birth to a baby girl!!!! Wooooo! This means I don't have to look at you walking around in different colors of that miu miu you frequent so often. For this I'm grateful. What I am not grateful for is the name you chose for your daughter..."Honor". That's like me getting knocked up (never happenning, not on purpose anyway) and naming my child "Loyal" or "Respect", like COME ON NOW! Actually "respect" would be a sweet name, think about it. As soon as you introduce yourself its like "RESPECT" no one's gonna mess with that. But I still don't like Honor even if it is a synonym of respect. Like why do you celebrities think that because you're rich and famous its like ANY NAME GOES. Your poor child. What's her nickname gonna be, Hon...Hono....Honory....all three can be creatively changed to a not so nice nickname. RECOGNIZE....omg that would be a GREAAAT NAME, i think equally as great as RESPECT. But seriously congrats on your happy healthy baby girl, Honor. I think your next kid should be named "Roll". HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa. I am hilarious, get used to it.
Sincerely, Me

Scooby Dooby DoooooOooOo!

Dear Scooby Doo,
Man's best friend, and loyal confidant. Today I salute you, because not only are you a dog that speaks in a mostly inaudible language, but you also have a show based on your magnificent lifestyle of eating a lot of food and jumping into the arms of others. Because I'm a little hungover I will just link readers to your own personal website so they can discover you in all your glory. http://www2.warnerbros.com/sd_brand/index.html

Sincerely, Dustin

Too Much Drinky Drinky?

Picture A

Picture B

Dear Lily Allen,

Today is a special day, because this post gets TWO pictures. I think it's necessary to explain the story. Lily, you went to the Glamour Awards last night, and you won something! I'm not sure what you won the award for, but Glamour is not something I see in these photos. Anywho, it's hard to decipher from this picture but you're actually wearing a dress that displays bambi's throat cut open and bleeding...interesting choice. But then you actually got so plastered that like five bodyguards had to carry you to your car. See Picture A. Then the next morning you're having some coffee and cigs to try to clear your mind and figure out what you're doing with your life, and you're probably wondering what the hell you won an award for too! See Picture B. You're amusing if nothing else.

Sincerely, Bambi

THIEF!

Dear Lindsay,
Old picture. New Lawsuit. So ya decided to steal someone's fur coat at a club did ya?! Well, most idiots wouldn't wear it out in public where the paparazzi usually stalk them, because SOMEONE WOULD SEE YA. But who are we kidding, you wanted to get caught, that's half the thrill, isn't it ya little freak? Well nowwww you're bein' sued for stealin some NYC college students prized fur coat. IIIIIIIIIDIOT. Like where is the Lindsay who did Parent Trap, GOD I'll even take the Lindsay who starred in the remake of Freaky Friday. BE SOMEONE other than the CURRENT freakishly old looking YOU. NOW.
Sincerely, Your Youth

I'm Frightened

Dear Clint Eastwood,

I would slowly and carefully walk away from whatever voodoo Angelina seems to be doing with her eyes. Shake her veiny hands and part ways. Nothing good can come of this.

Sincerely, Jenny Aniston

P.S. Clintie,...DustinBroom thinks you look like the crypt keeper